Here's The Scoop

Horse of a different color
Someone recently asked me “What kind of animal are you?” I wasn’t wolfing down a Five Guys burger at the time, so they weren’t referring to my fast-food dining habits. Thankfully.
As it turns out, “The Animal in You” is a type of personality test (found on the Internet, naturally) that poses a handful of questions that supposedly lead to the test-taker being labeled as a certain type of animal.
When I was initially asked what kind of animal I was, I wasn’t aware of the test. I thought I had a choice — and no one could argue with me. I considered a few choices. I momentarily thought about selecting a bear as my preferred animal, but not many people are afraid of me. Plus, the thought of sifting through a dumpster for food is pretty disgusting.
Making a dog my animal of choice wasn’t an option. I like dogs OK, but am not really fond of their lifestyle. Too much obedience, I guess. Plus, I would hate to wait for someone to let me outside whenever nature called. I don’t enjoy drooling all that much either.
I guess being a bird would be pretty cool, but I’m afraid of heights. And, well, it seems that lots of birds get up pretty early. Some of them eat worms, too. Nope. Birds are not the right choice for me.

A decent choice
I finally decided that being a cat would be a fairly decent option. Sure, there’s that whole fascination with catching rodents, but I don’t think that’s mandatory. Folks often brag that their cats are “good mousers,” so that tells me some cats are not skilled in the category. Or, maybe the idea of ripping apart a mouse and devouring its innards is something that a makes a certain percentage of cats gag. I guess rodents are an acquired taste.
Another potential drawback in the feline world is that typical cat food is not terribly enticing. “Disgusting” is an accurate description for a lot of this stuff. Cats seem to love it, though. I’m guessing my finicky nature could get my owners to understand that I only like dry cat food and an occasional fix of catnip to keep things interesting.
The rest of being a cat seems pretty cool, though. I’m a huge fan of sleeping — skilled, too, I might add. So, the typical 16 hours a day that cats spend in this pursuit would be perfect for me. Making this pastime even more appealing is the fact that cats love to lie in the sun. So do I, but as a cat, I wouldn’t have to worry about the sun’s harmful effects.
Cats are also great leapers. I never could jump too high, so I’m sure that it would be fun to have this ability. I could get used to being petted, as well.
After I had gone through this lengthy list of “animal choices,” my friend informed me that this work wasn’t really necessary, taking the online test of my personality traits would reveal the type of animal that best suits me.
So, I took the test. I’m a mountain goat. That was certainly an option I hadn’t considered. On the bright side, I’m thinking that eating tin cans has got to beat rodents any day.
— Brian Sweeney