Here's the Scoop: May 28, 2014
Cupid - with a Ball & Bat
You know how life always seems to be filled with moments that leave you shaking your head and going, “If only I…” Fill in the blank with your biggest regrets.
Sometimes, though, the stars do seem to align perfectly and good fortune results. The following is a true story. Well, parts of it are true. I’ll leave it up to readers to sift through the fact and fiction.
So…we were at this gathering of friends over the weekend and the daughter of one friend casually mentioned that she had been texting with a fellow named Dana Duquette — a son of Baltimore Orioles General Manager Dan Duquette. It seems this girl and Dana attended the same college. It didn’t take any higher education for me to figure out that this relationship could have great benefits — for me!
I’m a rather big Orioles fan. And not just because I don’t like the Yankees. I venture to Camden Yards (best stadium in baseball) whenever I can. I bleed Orioles orange. Well, that part may an exaggeration, but I get upset when they lose a game.
It’s true love
As a general rule, Cupid is not a role that I play well, but I was willing to make an exception in this case. Even though the topic of this young woman (whom I’ll call Callie, in honor of all-time Orioles great Cal Ripken) was very shy about the whole situation — I wasn’t.
“Umm, Callie, you understand what your relationship with Dana could mean to me, right?” I asked bluntly.
She looked perplexed. Understandably so.
“Well, it was pretty much just texting,” she tried to explain.
“When I was in college, ‘texting’ refer to hitting the books. I know that’s not the case here. Let’s get right to the point: Did you get to first base with him?” I questioned.
This was probably not a wise thing to ask a girl I don’t know very well, but I simply couldn’t pass up the chance to work in the baseball reference.
Callie’s mother was not amused and reminded me that she always carries a baseball bat in her car for just such occasions.
Offering roster assistance
I quickly backtracked and explained that my interest in seeing a romance blossom between Callie and Dana was more than a little selfish — I want to become a season ticket holder with good box seats. The free kind.
Callie tried to educate me with the facts of the matter — she doesn’t really know Dana that well. Of course, then she showed me pictures of him on her phone.
“I know you like everyone here at this gathering, Callie, but don’t you think you should be trying to check in with Dana? Maybe start working on the wedding plans?” I wondered.
And, just so they knew that I didn’t merely want good seats at Camden Yards (and priority parking), I tried to sweeten the pot.
“I can help rebuild the O’s into a winner,” I added. “I want to make a contribution to the team on the field in exchange for free seats and complimentary refreshments when I’m at the park.”
I then explained that I spend a fair amount of time (possibly more than a fair amount) analyzing players as part of what some have termed my Fantasy Baseball obsession. It doesn’t always pay off in Fantasy winnings, but I would be happy to provide my observations to the Orioles’ general manager.
Callie said she’d mention this to Dana and Dan. It was obvious to me, that things were getting serious.
“You know, I’m no expert at weddings, but I think an orange-and-black gown — with feathers — would be awesome, Callie,” I remarked.
She proceeded to tell me that my ideas were for the birds.
— Brian Sweeney